I had a letter brewing, but I seem to have forgotten it.

Serves me right for not writing it down, I guess.

--Aidan

Sorry if I came off too pessimistic in the last letter, and that I haven't written to follow up.

Things are going pretty well, and I might be actually following through on a project I started wayyyyyyy back when, when I was in Misportrayed: building an online store. More on that later this week or early next, though.

Anyway, just thought I'd check in. I know things often change, sometimes for the better, other times for the worse. Just because I've had a bunch of sad events recently shouldn't (and doesn't) take away from the happy ones, and I know they'll all be resolved soon enough.

This too shall pass.

--Aidan

I'm worried this will come off as whiny. Unfortunately (or fortunately), I won't be correcting that -- I would much prefer you think me whiny and conceited than untruthful. So here goes nothing.

I'm way too ambitious for my own good. But I know that at least some of it isn't me. It's a response to the situations I'm part of.

I take on project after project, hour after hour of work, all because I have something to prove. And I do. There are some things in this world truly worth doing, and I like to think that someone, somewhere, is benefiting from the work I'm doing -- as I know I am. But sometimes, it's just not worth it, or I don't have the intrinsic motivation or vision to see that light, that person's joy at the tunnel. So I'm instead turning to work for selfish, avoidant reasons.

My life is fucked up. Not, like, child-in-a-third-world-country-being-eaten-by-flies fucked up; it's first world fucked up. I've gone through some pretty heavy, world-around-me-changing-in-a-bad-way life events this year. And it's hit me pretty bad. And yet I know that some of the people around me, especially my brother, have gone through and are going through worse.

Over the past month, my family has slowly been coming apart at the seams. While there was always tension between all of the "clans", waxing and waning with each passing day, we stood together, united. Sitting down every Friday, the 13 of us (sometimes more, sometimes less) around the table had our own weekly Jewish Last Supper, content in the knowledge that it was not going to be the last. Not this week, not next week, not the week after next. Until, one day, it was. And I wasn't there to see it.

My grandfather passed away last month. Not even, actually. We're now a day shy of the three-week point. And, while I didn't visit him enough (could anyone visit anyone they love enough?), his presence, lessons, and kindheartedness have virtually disappeared from my life. There is one less smile that I can bring to this world. One less smile that can be brought out in me. And his was probably my favourite smile to create, or to receive, in the world.

Now, these situations would be upsetting, but not overly so, if I had the friends I could rely on last year. But through some shameful twists of fate -- some of which my fault, some of which theirs, and some which couldn't have been prevented, even if we tried -- three of my closest friends have vacated my life.

My friendships with Ben and Cristina were strained by the fact that we lived together, incompatibly so, for a year. Could I have saved us by finding someone to take over my room and moving out? Maybe. I'll never know. Part of me wishes that I hadn't been so stubborn in my defenses that I was contributing my fair share to the upkeep of our apartment, that I had had the sense to organize my bed and mattress and closet sooner, before I had to spend 2 weeks living on our futon. Part of me knows and resents that they made unfair assumptions about my habits, as I was often out of sight and out of mind. But, deep down, I know that neither position is right, as neither of them could have salvaged the friendships I once thought would last forever.

My friendship with Justin... that's still a mystery to me. I know that I told Salty some things that offended him, but until that point, there was hardly anything that didn't pass between the three of us unsaid. He had been getting testy with me for a month or more before, and I felt that he was trying to find a confrontation that our friends would accept as a "dealbreaker". Well, he found one. And now I've lost my best friend, closest companion, and partner in crime for 5 years to what appears to me as short-sighted greed, loyalty to too few, and a life he knows he can't sustain on his own. While I feel that we had a symbiotic friendship, my greatest fear is that he is becoming a parasite.

While the above could simply be a simple torrential shitstorm, one last thing turns it into a veritable excrement monsoon: my brother and I don't exist as brothers anymore. I'm sure there are things I do or say that bother him, but he doesn't respond consistently (if he responds at all) when I try to reach out to him. And all I get, to my face and behind my back, are biting insults. I know he's suffered through way worse than what I've described this past year, but there's only so much self-abuse I can handle. Each time I try to reach out to him, he spits venom back at me, and I'm almost out of antidote.

In the face of all of this, what is there to do but pursue bigger and better things? What can elevate me more than a hugely successful project, or collaboration?

There is only one way that I see out of this situation, and it's not actually a way out. Like Richler's Duddy Kravitz, the deliberate pursuit of greatness is the redemption I seek, but not the solution I need.

While I can hope for, look for, and try out solutions, this year has proven to me that I may never find the right one, and that newer problems quickly arise to compound the old. Instead, I rigorously apply myself to myself, knowing that somehow, someday, I'll claw my way out of this mess. I just pray that, unlike Duddy, I never, ever intentionally throw anyone -- let alone a friend -- into the oncoming traffic I'll undoubtedly be hit by soon enough.

I hope you appreciate the candor, Post. Because it's time to get back to work.

--Aidan

My buddy Charlie Hoehn just posted an e-book about how to become a Recession-Proof Graduate. 

I was lucky enough to read a late draft/early release of it, and it's EXCELLENT, actionable, and insightful. I'll post some actual thoughts on it later, but in the meantime, you should check it out here.

--Aidan

If I ever treat you as unaware of the news, I'm sorry. And if I treat you as someone of equal intelligence (let alone less), please berate me.

These letters will work out better for all of us if I'm trying to add something to our conversation, not tell you something you may or may not have already heard -- let alone assume you wouldn't understand.

--Aidan

P.S. I'm sorry if this seems too out of the blue. I'm just sick of everyone talking about this Chrome OS crap and never saying anything, and I want to make sure you know what to do if I ever fall into that trap.

Regardless, I've written down that I need to revisit the whole "advice" subject on a more philosophical note in the near future.

--Aidan

I think the subject line says it all. And the sad thing is, I used to be one of 'em. Didn't you?

General advice, general consulting, is meaningless. If there's anything I've learned over the years, it's that to progress/excel, you need to really, truly, want to grow on a deep level. And, while not the only way to express that deep yearning, one of the best ones I've found is to ask the right questions before you get the answers.

I blogged about this on my old blog, but it bears repeating:

I see it all the time. I don't want to single anybody out, because I know and love my friends and (most of) my colleagues, both present and former. But I see it all the time: "I want to be ______. What should I do?"; "I need to take one more course. What should I take?"; "I can't pick up girls. What am I doing wrong?"

Post, if you ever ask me one of these, I'm going to slap you. Good questions, ones that will help you grow, start with "how" or "why". They're more specific, personal, and measurable than the ones I just mentioned. You don't want to be a musician/producer/actor, you want to play a sold-out show at the Horseshoe in the next 12 months; you want to produce a profitable musical that draws record numbers of students; you want to have a supporting role in a Toronto-filmed TV show before the end of 2009.

Last year, the person formerly known as my best friend was trying to grow as a DJ. I sat down with him and we chatted for a couple hours while drinking some whisky and playing Xbox 360, and we made a clear, tough-but-reasonable path: he had to play at least one big show before the end of the summer, have at least one residency at a good local bar by the end of the year, be booked out of town within 12 months, and release some tracks or a mixtape semi-professionally before the end of the following summer.

We accomplished all of those goals (though I wasn't involved with his EP) by knowing what to ask the people we worked with. And, while he hasn't been booked out of town yet, he was offered a gig in Vancouver by the DJ we brought in for New Year's Eve.

I could come up with a bunch more examples, but that might bore you. Maybe another time, mang.

--Aidan

P.S. Like I said, there can be exceptions. One of which I'm going to write to right now...

Hey Post,

Just got home from Bruno (I don't think I've laughed that hard or that much at a movie in AGES). On my bus ride back I was, as always, reading Richard Florida's Rise of the Creative Class. I don't think anything specifically prompted this thought (maybe the story of some kid getting recruited on the Carnegie Mellon campus, but I read that one a few days ago), but I realized how stupid our universities and mega-recruiters are being.

Universities, like newspapers and many "big," "heartless" corporations who "don't get social media" are in the process of a slow and painful death. As Bachelor's degrees, once a signifier of higher learning and the endless pursuit of knowledge, proliferate and become the new high school diploma, people will one day get pissed enough to demand either a HUGE reduction in tuition (so it matches high schools today?) or realize that it's outdated.

I'm not writing to discuss either of those, though.

Mega-companies are always looking for the newest, freshest, brightest talent, right? I mean, they send recruiters all over the country/countries to find some promising students, and they bring in the superstars with deals that any schmo can only dream of.

They're idiots. The breaking (broken?) school system is staring them in the face, and both are playing hard to get.

If I was the CEO of Mega-Corp, I would have a partnership with at least 3 amazing schools, nation- (or even world-) wide. I would pay for a select group of kids to have a 4-year degree where the university trains them in whatever's necessary (am I looking for software engineers? Graphic designers? etc.). They take small courses for their degree and are mentored by members of my staff. For each of the 4 years, they also work on one big project for my company, related to their field of study and/or a course they're in.

And at the end, they've got a job from me if they want it. If not, I'd refer the shit out of them (assuming they done good).

I don't understand why this isn't done. Or, if it is and I just haven't heard of it, why it's not more prevalent.

You tell me, Post. 'Cuz hard-to-get is almost always a lose-lose game.

--Aidan

I just got in from visiting some family of mine out in Evanston. On my way back, I was waiting at a bus stop and -- no joke -- 10 horse-drawn carriages passed by me. Maybe even more.

That in and of itself isn't too crazy, but consider this: on the back of each one was a small sign for the Chicago horse-drawn carriage company that managed the horse/carriage/driver combination.

How the fuck do companies think this is a smart business move? Now, I'm no connoisseur of horse-drawn carriages (as you probably could have guessed), but jeez, have some imagination! Grow some balls!

I'd much rather get into a carriage with an aspiring comedian driver. Or maybe a former racehorse pulling me. Hell, if they painted/modded my carriage to look like a classic car, that would be cool! I'd be excited!

But no. It's just the same goddamn carriage, again and again.

--Aidan

I seem to have this weird mental block that permits me to think of others, of the future, and of my past. But, although I consider myself to be fairly intelligent (and hopefully that's not coming off as self-centered or full-of-myself), I don't feel as though I have as developed a self-schema as I should.

I remember, back in Grade 11, when asked about how I identify myself, I responded with "I don't. My view is always biased, so I rely on what friends, enemies, and acquaintances say, both explicitly and implicitly." And, to an extent, I still feel that way. I know something is missing from that statement about my own self-views, but I don't know what.

Why do I find it so difficult to examine myself? To think about what's wrong, what makes me happy, why I work the way I do? Why don't I pay critical attention to my habits, instead deciding to write what I consider to be insightful, though generalized to the point where I can hardly even recognize my own ideas anymore?

Sometimes, I can barely even re-read my own writing. I glaze over it, treating it like all information in today's knowledge-sharing world. Hell, I can barely pay myself the attention I'm so often asking from you.

If you've got any introspection exercises for me, I'd love to hear 'em. I recognize that I won't be able to lift the heavy weights right away, since I haven't been to the gym in a while. But damnit, I want to get in shape.

--Aidan