Thoughts You Can Think About

(Or Not)

I just realized this: NEVER take advice from Shaggy.

Post, forgive me for what I'm about to say.

Never, ever take advice from Shaggy.

I know, blasphemy. Especially considering that, back when I was 13/14, he was the shit. I thought I had learned some life lessons from Boombastic and Oh Carolina. And when It Wasn't Me was released, well... let's just say that I stumbled onto what would be my relationship Bible for a number of years.

But today, in the shower, I realized something: Shaggy was very, very wrong. To the point where I think I can blame most of my relationship troubles this past 7/8 years on the rapper.

Take, for example, the following lyrics:

But she caught me on the counter (It wasn't me)
Saw me bangin' on the sofa (It wasn't me)
I even had her in the shower (It wasn't me)
She even caught me on camera (It wasn't me)

Shaggy, in this passage, is telling his friend what to do: deny cheating on his girlfriend, even though she witnessed it. And, gullible lil' ol' me thought this was the right thing to do for years.

And herein lies the epiphany: Shaggy was dead wrong.

Deconstruct those lyrics for a second:
  1. She caught me having sex with another girl on the counter, and neither myself nor the other girl noticed her there. So she was hiding.
  2. She saw me continuing to bang this other girl on the sofa, and again, neither of the engaged parties noticed her. So, again, she was hiding.
  3. She saw me having this other girl in the shower. And again, no confrontation. She just stood there and watched.
  4. She videotaped me having intercourse with this other girl. Or at least photographed it.
I'm sorry, but trying to pass it off as though "it wasn't me" is detrimental to one's long-term sanity. This girlfriend is obviously crazy, and the boy in the story -- to whom I could occasionally relate, these past couple of years -- should be stepping back and asking himself some hard questions:
  1. My girlfriend continued to watch this go on, and yet said/did nothing. She's now acting mad. Is it because I didn't let her know in advance that she could watch? 
  2. My girlfriend is angry because she had to watch. Should I have invited her to join us in the first place?
  3. If the answers to both of the above are no, do I really want to stay with this woman who can't take action in her life?
In conclusion, I can't believe I used to think Shaggy had it right. He's lucky I didn't have to consult a psychologist for all this trauma... if I did, I'd be sending him the bill.

--Aidan