Thoughts on aspirational self-narration (I don't know where this is going yet)
Hey Post,
I have a million things I could or should be writing about right now, but only one thing is on my mind: how crazy I seem to myself, and curiosity as to what it says about me. Not to mention wondering whether or not others engage in these same processes, and what value (positive or negative) they get from it.
To get a sense of where I'm coming from, I detailed the situation in this Craigslist Missed Connection. It's by no means necessary to get the gist of what I'm about to say, but it'll probably help focus these thoughts for you if you read it. So yeah, read it.
I see people all the time and develop insane, over-reaching internal stories about my potential relationship with them. With girls, especially pretty/beautiful ones, I tell myself stories of walking them home, being chivalrous, and yes, occasionally, sex (though, I swear, it's not always sex, nor as often as you might expect). With guys, I see us hanging out, drinking while watching a zombie movie, doing some crazy work together and changing the world -- and no, this isn't a sexist thing (maybe it is subconsciously?), it's just that 95% of my business/project partnerships have been with guys up to this point.
Do other people do this? Are they as elaborate as mine? What does it say about me?
I have a hyperactive imagination, especially when it comes to people, but sometimes it verges on ridiculous. I find true love at least twice a week; I better the world a few times a month. But it's all in my head.
The problem, I guess, is how do I get it out of there? How do I turn this fictionalized account of my life, any fictionalized account of my life, into reality?
While the realist in me says I can't, my over-active imagination isn't satisfied with that answer. I know that the stories I tell myself -- for instance, tonight's one about falling in love with the girl in the purple shirt and staying with her for a long, long period of time -- will probably never come true in the absolute sense, but it says something about what I want, doesn't it? About what I'm striving for? About what's missing in my life?
If that's the case, should I be trying to find the meaningful relationships? Should I be looking for love, for my "soulmate"? Every time I've tried in the past, these stories stop telling themselves for a few weeks; if I'm lucky, they're silenced for a month or two. But then, without fail, they re-emerge... and I can't contain them.
Does that mean I failed? Or is it an escape mechanism that's keeping me on the hunt?
Are the things I desire -- or believe I desire -- actually what I need to be happy?
The funny thing is, I'm completely content with these narrations. Tonight's story with the girl in the purple shirt was marvelous... way more satisfying than at least a few of the relationships I've put myself through over the years. And the "breakup" won't last too long, either... I'll probably have forgotten it all by the morning.
Best of all, I didn't have to let my own mental/habitual flaws upset (and yes, sometimes even devastate) another person. The harm I'm committing is self-inflicted and self-selecting.
And, turning for a second to my personal stories of the legacy I leave, of the places I speak at, the people I speak to, and the positive impact I create for others through the execution of my ideas... is it achievable? Or is the very fact that I desire -- in fact, sometimes even crave -- the outcome practically guaranteeing my failure in its pursuit?
I don't think I'm going to get anywhere conclusive on this subject. At least, not tonight. But it's worth thinking about: Am I alone in this self-storytelling, or are there others who do it too (Lord knows nobody tends to talk about them)? If there are others, is my imagination more or less vivid than theirs? Regardless, which situations bring out the over-reaching imagination in me, and which let me be content following the story only two, not twenty, steps down the line?
Most importantly: are these narrations personal prophecies of the future, or a way for me to satisfy urges that I don't actually desire -- or, worse still, am currently unable to achieve (and unsure of how to get to the point of possible achievement)?
--Aidan
